It's going to be a good day!

Yesterday went well.  I talked to the inclusion specialist for the school district about Noah, and we were  completely on the same page about what Noah needs.  I found out that they had changed Noah's one-on-one aide to a young man that had worked with Noah last year and who is a really smart, great guy.  I went up to the school and talked briefly to the principal, and she seemed anxious about my opinion about changed the aide.  I assured her that I thought it was a great idea.  I then watched Noah in the computer lab, and he did amazing.  He got a little frustrated when the problems got harder, but he managed his frustration in a completely appropriate way.  We worked on the hard problems together, and I even spent some time with Mattie and the other kids, fixing computer issues along the way.  It was extremely satisfying!  I talked to the teacher about volunteering in the classroom, which I had never been able to do before, and I now have a standing gig on Tuesday mornings.  Noah came home at the end of the day with all smiley faces on his report card.  He was so happy and proud, and so were his parents!  He was positively giddy.  I have no idea how long it will last, but I am so grateful that for this small victory.

Today I went to meet with a new personal trainer, and although I'm not sure it's the right fit, it was good to try.  I'll attend a class this afternoon, and we'll see.

Also I talked to a friend about my new business idea, and he was completely supportive and helpful.  I think it is really going to work!!!

So I sat on the front porch, basking in sunshine and happiness.  How strange, right?  Please don't feel sorry for me.  I've totally got this.

(I'm sure I will be a bundle of self-doubt and fear tomorrow, but for now, I'm going with it.)

The next project

In order to keep myself from going nuts, I plan to start on a number of projects, one of which will be my new company.  I'm officially employed until Mar. 15 so I think I will postpone that one for a little longer.   For those of you who were concerned, I was able to work through the mind-fog of the last post and cranked out those grant reviews.  I even came close to finishing on time!  That's a first for me--I usually finish the day after.  It really felt good to do something and come out the other side.

So what is my next project, you ask?  In a word . . . Noah.  For the last few months, Noah has become more and more disruptive at school.  A couple of weeks ago, he ran away from school and made it almost two blocks before the principal got him to stop.  (She was at least watching him for most of the time.)  In response to that incident, I took a week off work (and now I'm really glad I did) and went to observe.  I found out some interesting stuff, like the fact that he was scared of the boy's bathroom, which was why he kept wetting his pants, even though he never does at home.  We figured out that putting sticky notes over the computer screen where the timer comes on during his math program allows him to do timed problems.  We re-did his daily chart so that he would know what was coming and how he did.  I taught his aide more about what he could do (any academic thing you want) and what he had challenges with (listening when there was something more interesting in front of him) and how to deal with that.  Both his teacher and his aide started reporting much better days and a much happier boy.  It was fun to see.

And that lasted about three days.

Then, I got another call from the principal, who reported that Noah had stabbed one child with a pencil, hit another, and bit someone else and asked me to take him home please.  Ugh.  I was at work so our nanny, Deanna, came up early and picked him up.  And things just kept getting worse.  Every day was another report of him hurting others.  Then yesterday, the kiddos got to school at little early and were playing on the playground.  Noah got in a disagreement with some second grade girls (it remains unclear what actually happened; Noah claims the girls kept throwing his ball away and making him chase it, the girls say that Noah just got upset when the balls accidentally collided), and he bit one of them so badly that they had to call the girl's parents to come to the school.  Noah was suspended for the day.  Noah has been sent home before, but never suspended.  I'm not sure exactly what the difference is, but I expect that it goes in his personal record.  I've never even heard of suspending a first grader before!

Thus the new project is figuring out what to do about Noah.  The problem is that I don't know where to start.  Does he need a different set of therapists?  A new doctor?  Should I try to get him on medications?  Or should I start with the school?  I've met with the principal before, and we got nowhere.  Should I insist that they do a behavioral assessment?  Or should I call an advocate first?  Should I insist that they get a trained ABA person in?  This morning, the principal switched his aide to the one he had in Kindergarten.  I'm certain that he is better than his last one, but is that going to be enough?  I took a ton of notes from my observation days--what should I do with them?  If I send them out, will anyone even look at them?  Should I research new schools?  Maybe he'd be better of in a school that is specially for kids with autism?  Now I have time to take him to a special school, but can we afford it?  I am grateful at least for the time and mental energy to think about the issue.  I couldn't even start before.  Like so many other things (the car upkeep, the house upkeep, my personal health, and everything else), I had ignored this issue for a long time.

I think I'll go get some exercise, get dressed, and go visit the school.  As I said, I have plenty of time for all of these things now.  Maybe I'll have some ideas along the way. . . .

Mind fog

I had a lovely day with the family yesterday, just relaxing and doing what we felt like.  I woke up at 4am again, started worrying, then decided not to and went back to sleep.  So far so good.

Now I have two things I need to do today.  One is that I am supposed to be reviewing NIH grants, which a usually something I thoroughly enjoy.  It is usually really fun to read what is coming next.   I have 8 to review, I have already done 2 (done last weekend).  I tried to do them over the week, but there was so much going on at work.  (Irony, yes?)  The deadline is Wednesday.  I know from past experience that it is hard to get more than 2 done on a day so I really, really need to rally and get going.  I didn't want to though.  I'm feeling that energy-sapped, achey, grumpy feeling.  It also doesn't help that Jon and the kids are off today so the house is noisy and messy.  So I did what I have done so many times before--I talked myself into taking the first step.  Just log on, download the file, and open, Courtney!  (I talk to myself sternly sometimes.  It's necessary.)  I did that.  I read the abstract.  I read the same sentence over and over and over.  That achey feeling just got worse.  My mind is still hurting, and it is not very excited about reading complex stuff.  It sure as heck isn't ready to read the cool new business idea of somebody else's.  It's too easy to get to feeling sorry for myself--how come they get to start a new business?  How were they successful?  How am I going to get through the next 100 pages?  I just want to go back to bed.  So I put it back down.  I'll try later.  Maybe I should just watch Downton Abbey.  Frankly, my brain feels too tired to even read mystery novels, not to mention grant proposals.  Even Downton Abbey sounds a little hard.  Sigh.

The other thing I'm supposed to do today is talk to an executive coach.  My appointment is in 15 minutes.  It's nice that the company arranged it, I guess.  But I'm still so angry.  What on earth am I going to say to her?  I can't really blame her, but I have no one else to focus my anger on.  I don't want to think yet (see above).  I just want to go back to bed.  I guess that's what I'll say to her.  It's weird that I physically hurt.  Kristen said it happened to her.  That by the third day, she felt achey and sick and that she actually did get sick.  Maybe that's what's happening.  Fab.  Excellent.  Can't wait.

Mac vs. PC

Thanks to all of you for your outpouring of support yesterday. I think that may be the greatest thing about Facebook--when you need people, they are there.

After yesterday's post, I felt tremendously better. It was good to just put everything out there and to hear how others had gotten through it. Before writing, I kept trying to do things and just felt so deflated. After writing, I pulled out my budgets, made sure the world wasn't about to end financially, then asked Jon if I could go look at computers at Fry's. We were all going to go together, but then the kids were doing something and Jon was doing something so I took off myself.

For those of you that don't know, I've had an absolutely terrible time at work for the past year or so. I've been so frustrated and angry about how they run things. I've been especially angry at my boss. Now it really feels like a load was lifted.  I realized that I mostly moped around the house each weekend.  It felt good to get out.

So as I was on my way to Fry's, I thought, you know, I feel naked without a phone. I've been attached to it for years, and now it's gone. I always meant to get a personal cell, but I have enough trouble keeping track of one phone--how would I keep track of two? So without much more thought, I drove to the Verizon store.

The place was packed! I had to wait for some assistance, and as I waited, I continued researching what computer to buy. And as I did, my mind kept wandering to those beautiful Macs that the all the marketing people have. At work, we are only issued PCs. And there are approximately three options. In my case, they said, you travel, you need this one. And that was that. It was heavy and bulky and always seemed to break.

The people in the marketing department would bring in their pretty Macs, their personal ones, presumably because their creative minds couldn't cope with the crappy standard issue Lenovos. And the thing I really envied was how they would create these beautiful presentations, then send them over to their iPads, then present them to physicians on their iPads seamlessly. My envy of this has lasted a long, long time. I bought an iPad almost two years ago because of it. I would send presentations to my iPad, but because I had created everything on my PC, when it got to my iPad, the fonts would go weird, the pictures were in the wrong place, etc. I could make a PDF, but then it didn't advance nicely so I would always just present on my computer anyway.

So I sat there thinking--why can't I be like those marketing people? Aren't consultants supposed to have Macs? Don't all my new customers (academic physicians) use Macs? For my next step, image will be important. Buying the cheapest, clunkiest computer, which is the only thing that my potential clients ever see, seems foolish.

That's some good rationalizing, yes?

So I finally got through the line at the Verizon store. I'm still not sure what plan I have or why everything costs so much. I'm sure I could have gotten a better deal if I had researched it more. But the number of choices was overwhelming (see previous post). I can cut costs later, and a mistake on a phone isn't going to break me. I walked out of the Verizon store, shiny new iPhone in hand and went to the mall to go to the Apple store.

I was totally envisioning myself going into the pretty glass store with the super hip folks, ready to become one of those people. Only funny thing--our mall doesn't have an Apple store.  I found a mall map and read the list twice. I checked my new phone. Sure enough, the Apple stores are in Santa Barbara, Thousand Oaks, but not here. Bummer. Dream denied.

I guess I could have gone to Thousand Oaks, but I would pass the Fry's on the way. So I headed out again. I called Jonathan from the car. He answered and was surprised to hear from me. He said, um, weren't you just going to go browse laptops? I explained all my loopy logic and asked if he would think less of me if I bought a Mac. Because he is Jon, he said, go for it, sweetie. So off I went.

The nearest Fry's is in Oxnard, which is sketchy on its best day. It is probably the opposite of an Apple store. Apparently other Fry's have themes, which makes it fun to go there. Ours does not. But they did have a a giant apple with a bite out of it hanging from the ceiling. So I headed for that. I looked at the Macs, then the PCs, then back to the Macs. I talked to the sales people, sent them away, and stared at the price tags for a while. Macs are really expensive!

In the end, I went for it, and I'm now typing this on my brand new MacBook Pro. It is so shiny and pretty. I don't really know how to use it, but somehow that is kind of fun and exciting too. Something to learn. It feels like it's been a while since I learned something.

Later some friends came by, and we went out to dinner. They hadn't been by in a long time so there was lots to show and tell. And it reminded me how much we have. Stuff is just stuff, and now we'll probably have less of it.  But I have Jon and the kiddos and wonderful friends and family.  That's important.

My head isn't spinning so much, but hasn't completely stopped either. Obviously I woke up at 4:30am, unable to go back to sleep, and wrote all this, but it is better. Some of the disturbing things from work at least make more sense now. Not all, but some.  I certainly feel vindicated in my complaint, which felt a bit paranoid at the time, that I was no longer given any interesting work to do.  I really wasn't, and I wasn't paranoid at all.

I have a morbid curiosity about work--what will people say when they find out that we are gone? Who knows? Who knew about my imminent departure long ago? What naive, dumb things did I say, not knowing that my future was so limited?  I'm sure I'll hear some things about what goes on, and I'm sure it won't be satisfying. But I can fantasize a little. And then go back to bed.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Hello, world.

Yesterday I was laid off. I'm having trouble processing that fact so I thought I would blog about it and see if it helped. Jon suggested that I write a journal, but when I started, I couldn't figure out who I was writing to. Somehow this seems better.

If you are reading this, you likely know that we first made use of this blog to share about our journey with the triplets, starting when the girls were sick in the womb. I found that lots of people wanted to ask me how I felt, what I was thinking, etc., but that saying the same thing over and over, reliving my agony each time was too painful. But I was also so grateful for the support and didn't want to push people away. So I blogged. And it helped. A lot.

Clearly getting laid off is nothing, nothing at all, compared to the agony and pain of having your unborn children nearly die inside you. So there's that. But it still hurts. The blow is definitely lessened by a large severance package. In some ways, it is likely winning the lottery. Somebody says, we'll send you roughly a year's pay, please turn in your computer, and go home. No need to worry about work any more. A dream come true, right? Except that there is so much more to it than that.

For one thing, my work is/was such a huge part of me. How many times did I say, with no small amount of pride, "I'm a scientist who designs clinical studies for a medical device company"? I've spent the last 7-plus years thinking each day about what to do to help the company. Weekends and evenings, grueling international trips, working with people that were awful, but pushing through it all because I believed in the mission. Even night before last, I left Valentine's Day dinner (by myself, because Jon needed to stay late at work, but still) and rushed home to take care of a last minute problem with something that needed to be submitted by a deadline, then reviewed a document that I was told was urgent. The next morning, I got up, rushed around, and drove an hour to work to be told told that my services were no longer required, effective immediately. So what about all the stuff that I was working on? The strategic plan? The ISR project? The pub plans and submissions that were so urgent last week? The trips that I was being pressured to take to support a new product launch? Was all that really just make-work? Stuff to keep me busy until the next lay-off cycle? And without that job, who am I? What will I say when people ask what I do?

Also, there's the others. Two of my direct reports were laid off too. I really think we are the lucky ones here. We were a team of seven, at one point, even eight. We were still struggling to cope with the loss of number eight. Now they are four, and not a team. They got scattered to three different bosses. They were already tired, overworked, unhappy. And now they will have twice as much work to do. I am sad for them and sad that I couldn't shape this future better. Sad that somehow I didn't make their value and my value well enough known, didn't make the organization understand how important the work we do is, and how much more there is to come. What could I have done better to change the outcome? Will they be okay? Deep down, I doubt I could have done anything, and I know that they are all smart, honest, hard-working people who will be just fine. But it still makes my mind and heart hurt.

And what do I do next? I have wanted to start a small business. I was going to start a small business. In September. I was laying the ground work, setting things up, thinking it through, playing with ideas. But instead of September, the time is now, seven months early. Right now. I've been given a huge gift--the time and money to start that project. Awesome! Fantastic! Wildest dream come true! And absolutely terrifying. What if I screw it up? What if I blow through a year's pay with nothing to show for it in the end? What if my idea is a dud? What if I can't handle working alone? And how do I get started? How much money should I spend?

They took my phone, and the kids have rendered our home computer nearly useless. I should run out right now and get a new phone and a new computer! But which one? What can I afford? Maybe I should do an update on my budgets to see where things are. But how can I do that when I don't really yet understand the severance package? How much will it really be, after taxes, etc. Will they really follow through on their promises? And speaking of taxes, should I wait to set up a company before spending money on business expenses like computers? And do I need a new accountant? Do I need a lawyer? How do I get them? I clearly need to make a list. Maybe even a list of lists. But where do I make it? On the kids' busted computer? In my work notebook? My iPad? All my routines are busted! All my old habits are destroyed. I should make new routines. I should get in shape! I should join a gym! I should get a new personal trainer! But I liked my old one. How will I find another one? Can I still afford one? Maybe I should update the budgets. I really do need a list. A list of lists.

And there you have it. The state of my mind. Note the endless loop. I just need to pick something and do it. Clearly. Simple as that.

First world problems, right?

Thanks for listening and for your support.