Mind fog

I had a lovely day with the family yesterday, just relaxing and doing what we felt like.  I woke up at 4am again, started worrying, then decided not to and went back to sleep.  So far so good.

Now I have two things I need to do today.  One is that I am supposed to be reviewing NIH grants, which a usually something I thoroughly enjoy.  It is usually really fun to read what is coming next.   I have 8 to review, I have already done 2 (done last weekend).  I tried to do them over the week, but there was so much going on at work.  (Irony, yes?)  The deadline is Wednesday.  I know from past experience that it is hard to get more than 2 done on a day so I really, really need to rally and get going.  I didn't want to though.  I'm feeling that energy-sapped, achey, grumpy feeling.  It also doesn't help that Jon and the kids are off today so the house is noisy and messy.  So I did what I have done so many times before--I talked myself into taking the first step.  Just log on, download the file, and open, Courtney!  (I talk to myself sternly sometimes.  It's necessary.)  I did that.  I read the abstract.  I read the same sentence over and over and over.  That achey feeling just got worse.  My mind is still hurting, and it is not very excited about reading complex stuff.  It sure as heck isn't ready to read the cool new business idea of somebody else's.  It's too easy to get to feeling sorry for myself--how come they get to start a new business?  How were they successful?  How am I going to get through the next 100 pages?  I just want to go back to bed.  So I put it back down.  I'll try later.  Maybe I should just watch Downton Abbey.  Frankly, my brain feels too tired to even read mystery novels, not to mention grant proposals.  Even Downton Abbey sounds a little hard.  Sigh.

The other thing I'm supposed to do today is talk to an executive coach.  My appointment is in 15 minutes.  It's nice that the company arranged it, I guess.  But I'm still so angry.  What on earth am I going to say to her?  I can't really blame her, but I have no one else to focus my anger on.  I don't want to think yet (see above).  I just want to go back to bed.  I guess that's what I'll say to her.  It's weird that I physically hurt.  Kristen said it happened to her.  That by the third day, she felt achey and sick and that she actually did get sick.  Maybe that's what's happening.  Fab.  Excellent.  Can't wait.