So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Hello, world.

Yesterday I was laid off. I'm having trouble processing that fact so I thought I would blog about it and see if it helped. Jon suggested that I write a journal, but when I started, I couldn't figure out who I was writing to. Somehow this seems better.

If you are reading this, you likely know that we first made use of this blog to share about our journey with the triplets, starting when the girls were sick in the womb. I found that lots of people wanted to ask me how I felt, what I was thinking, etc., but that saying the same thing over and over, reliving my agony each time was too painful. But I was also so grateful for the support and didn't want to push people away. So I blogged. And it helped. A lot.

Clearly getting laid off is nothing, nothing at all, compared to the agony and pain of having your unborn children nearly die inside you. So there's that. But it still hurts. The blow is definitely lessened by a large severance package. In some ways, it is likely winning the lottery. Somebody says, we'll send you roughly a year's pay, please turn in your computer, and go home. No need to worry about work any more. A dream come true, right? Except that there is so much more to it than that.

For one thing, my work is/was such a huge part of me. How many times did I say, with no small amount of pride, "I'm a scientist who designs clinical studies for a medical device company"? I've spent the last 7-plus years thinking each day about what to do to help the company. Weekends and evenings, grueling international trips, working with people that were awful, but pushing through it all because I believed in the mission. Even night before last, I left Valentine's Day dinner (by myself, because Jon needed to stay late at work, but still) and rushed home to take care of a last minute problem with something that needed to be submitted by a deadline, then reviewed a document that I was told was urgent. The next morning, I got up, rushed around, and drove an hour to work to be told told that my services were no longer required, effective immediately. So what about all the stuff that I was working on? The strategic plan? The ISR project? The pub plans and submissions that were so urgent last week? The trips that I was being pressured to take to support a new product launch? Was all that really just make-work? Stuff to keep me busy until the next lay-off cycle? And without that job, who am I? What will I say when people ask what I do?

Also, there's the others. Two of my direct reports were laid off too. I really think we are the lucky ones here. We were a team of seven, at one point, even eight. We were still struggling to cope with the loss of number eight. Now they are four, and not a team. They got scattered to three different bosses. They were already tired, overworked, unhappy. And now they will have twice as much work to do. I am sad for them and sad that I couldn't shape this future better. Sad that somehow I didn't make their value and my value well enough known, didn't make the organization understand how important the work we do is, and how much more there is to come. What could I have done better to change the outcome? Will they be okay? Deep down, I doubt I could have done anything, and I know that they are all smart, honest, hard-working people who will be just fine. But it still makes my mind and heart hurt.

And what do I do next? I have wanted to start a small business. I was going to start a small business. In September. I was laying the ground work, setting things up, thinking it through, playing with ideas. But instead of September, the time is now, seven months early. Right now. I've been given a huge gift--the time and money to start that project. Awesome! Fantastic! Wildest dream come true! And absolutely terrifying. What if I screw it up? What if I blow through a year's pay with nothing to show for it in the end? What if my idea is a dud? What if I can't handle working alone? And how do I get started? How much money should I spend?

They took my phone, and the kids have rendered our home computer nearly useless. I should run out right now and get a new phone and a new computer! But which one? What can I afford? Maybe I should do an update on my budgets to see where things are. But how can I do that when I don't really yet understand the severance package? How much will it really be, after taxes, etc. Will they really follow through on their promises? And speaking of taxes, should I wait to set up a company before spending money on business expenses like computers? And do I need a new accountant? Do I need a lawyer? How do I get them? I clearly need to make a list. Maybe even a list of lists. But where do I make it? On the kids' busted computer? In my work notebook? My iPad? All my routines are busted! All my old habits are destroyed. I should make new routines. I should get in shape! I should join a gym! I should get a new personal trainer! But I liked my old one. How will I find another one? Can I still afford one? Maybe I should update the budgets. I really do need a list. A list of lists.

And there you have it. The state of my mind. Note the endless loop. I just need to pick something and do it. Clearly. Simple as that.

First world problems, right?

Thanks for listening and for your support.